Tuesday, April 09, 2002

i'm officially starting a "new" blog space here..the one that i used to write in..just getting too messy..this one is purely to write about stuff which only I should know...maybe i'll share it with sum other ppl. but maybe not..

itz April 9th today..Happie B-day Derek..i so wish i can celebrate wif u..but can't..coz of lotza reasons..i know ur down in Mich. rite now wif Rox..no one told me..but..i dunno..my instincts r sumhow telling me that u r..am i rite?..hope ur b-day celebration this past Sat. nite was good..i bet u had fun..

feeling so unhappie these days still..knowing that things r going great wif "sum ppl" and me just here..can't do a thing about it..y is things going this way?..y can't it be different?..gosh damnit..i think i'm seriously on depression here...all i can do these days is think about sad n unhappie stuff...have the biggest mood swings...crying on n off...n having a problem eating properly..

y is it seem like that both of them r having fun..being happie..n i'm the one whoz suffering still?..damn this..i so wish to cheer up n think as if nothing had happened..but just can't...everything is bugging me so much still...

honestly dun understand y he bothered to tell me anywaz?..the turn-out would not change..he wasn't planning to leave his gf anywaz..so wat was the whole pt. of telling me?...yea..i know..so that i can feel guilty WITH him..and he sure made me feel this way..it wasn't like..he told me n things will be different...i honestly prefer not know about his feelings than knowing about it..i think i would have felt alot better knowing nothing about it..
while..other ppl. r thinking i'm a freaken slut for trying to steal sumone's bf...fuxk this..i admit..i have feelings toward him too..but nothing was intended to..and..i wasn't gonna STEAL him..gosh..all the words which i've been hearing nowadays about me..fuxk it..all blaming on ME..diu diu diu..yea..he says hez the one to blame...yea..watever..like if others know..no one knows wat really went on..other then a couple of close frenz..
everyone one of us is selfish..n hez no exception..y would he tell everyone about wat HE REALLY did..rite?..so yea..the blame would just be one ME..ME ME ME..plus..he wasn't even gonna to admit to her about it..just thinking back on wat he said the second after i said "ur being unfair to me"..."Sorry sorry..but i just can't tell her"..u had the guts to do wat u did...y didn't u have the guts to admit it?...gosh..even now wif watz hez telling me..that he has already told her...me ain't believing it..simply can't believe a single word he says now..
words from guys can be so bullshxt..i swear..just all bullshxt..once my trust is gone toward sumone..that sumone ain't gonna have it back..no way no way...
i sound so mad here...yes i'm pissed..angry..frustrated..so freaken mad at him..his letter was so pointless..seriously pointless..even a couple of frenz who read it agrees with me...fuxk shxt pointless.."I love her..but i had feelings for u"...such bullshxt eh?..damnit..so freaken mad..those two r happie..n i'm all mad n unhappie here...so fuxken unfair..i have to "hide" away from sum frenz coz of those two..itz not like i'm the ONLY one who went wrong here...fuxk...

n oh yea..i'm already "history" to him..everything in the letter..he referred me in "past tense"..talk about guys getting over sumone FAST..such a...arrghh...errr...

enuf for now...